Blast!
by Cormag Ravenstaff
Summary: Roses are red, Hector is blue. I hate this fic, and so will you. Shitpost.


**Blast!**

The world changed the day Hector decided to grow a beard. That was the day Bern attacked.

Okay, it might have been a coincidence. Most likely not.

But to understand the reason as to Hector's life changing decision, the answer lies in the past.

So back in that one chapter, you know the one, where the party saves Zephiel's sorry little ass? Yeah, that one. Anyway, Hector was the one who popped a squat on those stairs where all the Black Fang run up and butcher the future king of Bern.

So Hector's sittin' there, and he turns to Zephy, and he's like, "Bro, can you like, maybe not suck?"

Zephy's a little bitch, of course, and puts his hands on his hips like he's seen his mother do, and then he's like, "The fuck are you?"

"The motherfucker who's gonna save your little bitch ass, that's who," Hector said in fluent Ostian slang.

Zephy was pretty fucking pissed off by this kind of attitude. After all, he's the crown prince of Bern. He ain't gotta listen to that shit, right?

"Listen here you twat," he sputtered. But Hector wasn't listening, because he killed like, twenty fuckers who came at Zephy.

"That's why they call me Rektor," he growled at the carcasses, as if they could hear him.

Eliwood heard him. He turned to Hector and was like, "Nah dude, no one calls you that." And then he went to kill the forgettable villain that is Ursula because he needs the levels.

Suddenly the turn count expired, and the party fuckin' up and left, leaving Zephy in his manse with a shit ton of dead people. When the Bernese blokes got to him, they were all like, "Fuck dude, you do all this?"

"Yeah, brah," he decreed. Zephy looked at all the soldiers around him, "You see those schmucks who were here? Especially the blue one?"

"Fam, all the schmucks seem to be dead at your feet," the captain of the guard Observed.

"Shit, you right," Zephy's eyes widened. "I killed all of these boiz, like every one of them around the entire manse. They all died to my blade and incredible stats."

The crowd of soldiers gave a round of applause. It was pretty dope to them, 'cause they were all like, "Shit, our future king is a fucking OG badass. This shit is lit."

But we gotta jump forward to when Bern was getting all bitchy about dragons or some shit. I don't fuckin' remember, I played that game five years ago.

Zephy's sittin' on his throne all noble prissy-like, and he suddenly says, "Remember that fuck named Hector?"

"The fuck is a Hector?" asked his guards, mildly concerned and confused.

"The Ostia guy. The quality protagonist one."

"Oh, him," the chorused. "Rumor has it he's got a massive fuckin' beard. Might even be better than yours."

Normally, this would probably trigger Zephy into an oblivion. But he was too distracted by stroking his (admittedly) awesome facial hair.

Could…could Hector have better facial hair than him?

It would not stand.

So Zephy wrote a note to his Dragon Generals and was like, 'Okay boiz, we gun fight the Lycians. Fuck 'em right up. Gg scrubz, bai.'

So the Dragon Generals went in and did some shit, and pissed off Hector.

"Blast!" he thundered. All his peeps were running around trying to do shit to save Lycia, because Bern was the big kid on the playground. So he stroked his newly grown beard.

As if summoned like a fucking Roomba when controlled, Zephy strut in kicking literally everyone in Lycia's ass first. Like, cross Lycia off the list of places that exist.

"Bitch, your beard has got to go," Zephy challenged.

"Nuh uh, I saved yo' ass once, I'm gonna fuck it up this time," Hector shouted.

The two fought, and some people said it was a pretty cool battle. But they're dead, so there's no real witnesses.

Zephy killed Hector because his beard was objectively better.

But then Zephy looked around and realized he kinda accomplished his goal. But Etruria was pretty mad that Bern was getting all fucking uppity.

Zephy was like, "Welp, we've gone this far. Let's-a-go!"

And then they did some cool shit, and some less cool shit and lost.

The End.

* * *

 **Author Notes: I get some sort of pleasure from writing intentionally shitty fics.**

 **I realized I hadn't written anything since we learned about Echoes' release. I'm super hyped for that game, and I've even changed my future plans from writing a more original oriented story to writing an Echoes' novelization, with a huge twist. But I gotta beat the game before starting it.**


End file.
